Where to start...

For the past two days I've felt gone. Otherworldly. My boyfriend keeps asking me what is wrong, but I don't even know what is wrong. I seem dazed. I sit there and just space off. I don't notice him leave the room, and when he returns, the sound of his voice snaps me back to reality. I don't know whats wrong. I don't even know if there's anything up there I am thinking about. I am just a blank board. Maybe soon I'll be able to speak again....

In other news, the morning sickness is finally but very slowly easing up. I can keep food down in my stomach once more. The doctors aren't very happy with me though. After 5.1 month... I seem to have lost a total of 5 pounds. And haven't seem to gained any back. Well they don't understand how difficult its been...

First I lose my job.. then my car... and finally I find out I am pregnant. Well sorry for not adapting quickly. But I've never been good at that anyway.

I'm really trying here.. I'm trying to deal with what life has dealt me. I'm trying to get rid of the recurring nightmares that in turn seem to linger even as I wake.

Most days I just want to scream as hard as I possibly am able to. But I don't. I can't. I feel as if I'm holding on to a thin thread... That scream might jeopardize it somehow.

I don't know if this is normal. But I've lately felt that if I'm not a little lower than what people might like, then I'm just blah. As if my blueNESS makes me 'live', or appreciate a lot of more things that normally get past me.

I feel as if... I'm zero inspired if I'm happy. And that just makes me feel ordinary. I don't do so well with ordinary.

I know I haven't updated my LJ in quite a long time, but theres been so much going on that I don't even know where to start.

I promise I'll get back to this soon.

I use to be afraid of so many things...
that I'd never grow up...
that I'd be trapped in the same place for all eternity...
that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach...
its true what they say...
time plays tricks on you, one day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality and now that this scred little girl no longer follows me wherever I go...
I miss her... I do.
Because there are things I want to tell her, to relax, to lighten up... that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurence...
The people who contributed to who I am... they are with me wherever I go...
As history gets re-written in smallw ays with each passing day, my love for them only grows because the truth is it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lesons learned but all of that has receded into fond memory now.
How does it happen?
Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good?
Maybe its because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something...
that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us... the time in our lives that we will never forget... I can't swear this is exactly how it happened, but this is how it felt.

I just want to curl up and die! Okay, not die, but I just want my bed! My freshly washed blankies! <3! My Melanie to crush, and an occasional annoying sister that barges in, unannounced and demands attention.
Crying yourself to sleep doesn’t help much. Sometimes it’s a good release, they say. But they don’t seem to warn you about the aftermath. How the next day will be. You break yourself down the previous night, and I guess fucks with you the next morning. How am I suppose to function? Any bit of concern on someone’s part makes me want to run out. So they don’t see…
How infuriating. Just a few days ago, I swear I was getting a grip. Now I’m a total mess.
But I guess this is life.. there are those highs… and those lows.
Well this low better be preparing me for an amazing fucking high!
And that’s all I have to say on THAT! =)
Hehe. Aside from it all, I am still here, I am still me. And still here… and still me… and.. who am I? Oh right.

On another note…


Chasing Cars – SNOW PATROL

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
But not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
to remind me..
to find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?


Oh how I absolutely love this song!!!

a day ahead!!!
so since we have time zones...
and its 10:25am and still tuesday
and its 5:25am there and its wednseday...
why is time important?!
it shouldnt be!!
if in one part of the world its a completely different day why do we put so much emphasis on time??
technically we can travel into the future
or go back into the past
when it comes to time, kinda but not really...
i mean i wonder how many times while traveling i could see 5:00 am in a technical 24 hour period?!

We all know we need those lows to help us feel and see and notice when those highs are here. This is all so simple to comprehend. I get it. I do.

But could it be? That sometimes all you have are lows and lows and then more lows so that when something good happens, something that used to excite you, something that use to give you that high comes… you are way under to even get out of your fucking hole. I wonder about this.

Actually I wonder about way too many things. Its ever so fucking annoying. But whatever. I do it.

So I think that this is where I am. Not just today, or this week, or even month. Welcome to my year.

Someday I will have something worth reading.

Oo the holidays are comin'!